Beyond Herself

on Friday, October 23, 2009

A year and a half later we have a healthy little man .... a repost but a reason to exhale, sit back and be in wonder.

The throb of the blades rhythmically cut through the air. As the rotor gained momentum, the noise swelled making communication nearly impossible. This lack only isolated her further and she felt like a bystander in a scene from a movie. The big yellow Westpac helicopter now gained height, and the hospital grounds melted away along with all that was familiar. Her safe surroundings, her town, looked different from the air at night ablaze with lights in neat corridors. Events were surreal, control was beyond her and nothing seemed comfortable or safe. Her contribution to this emergency medical retrieval seemed negligible as she was at the end of herself to sustain the life of her twelve week old boy. She wondered how this would end and if she would have the energy to see this through?

So much had been given and endured already for his life to be; sickness, planning, longing, money, time, dreams, hopes. So much selfless sacrifice passionately offered. But all that wasn’t enough to guarantee his survival. Neither was any amount of status, bribery or good works. His life was totally beyond all guarantees as is ours. Yet immense resource was lavished and every attempt made to sustain the life of Kyler Jack.

Attempts to allow him to live and enjoy the depth of his mother’s adoration, to let him suckle and nuzzle and feel totally safe. As his consciousness grew, his world would include his siblings, learning to jostle and find place in his family where he adapts to sharing his parents affection. Learn to give in love yet still love when not given. Discover the substance in relationships and the depth in forgiveness as wounds are dealt. Find sweetness in an emerging longing for shared enjoyment of another person. Let him discover the treasures and truths in life that really give it genuine substance. And to climax in full circle as longing and hope would be sown and unconditional love allows new life to birth through his own children.

Would his life be fully lived as he now struggled to breath on his own? Monitors taped to his body delivered numbers which gave the young doctor no reason for concern as oxygen tubes kept levels at an acceptable saturation. She smiled in understanding as the medic offered her a thumbs up to put her mind at ease, to reveal stability in her baby’s condition, sign language the only communication possible over the din of the chopper. Grateful, she wondered how these front line medics dealt with such a critical responsibility, of being the hope of so many for their children. Why this young man would even want to labour through situations that possibly produce the absolute worse of any circumstance; lost life. Does he labour because the possibility of being able to interrupt the demise of health is worth the risk of his own distress?

Why do we all have such a solid conviction to pour so much of ourselves into each other? Sure some would act from motives that are self serving, others lives being used to meet their own perceived needs but most intuitively recognise a truth far more profound. What even causes us to have babies when there is so much of ourselves to deny, so much of ourselves required. Our children’s lives are open cisterns for us to pour in everything we are. Yet; we give knowing that their lives are their own and we give unconditionally, with no strings attached, freely allowing them to choose their response to us. To choose the degree of which they love and enjoy in return. What a risk! What a gamble! Or is it?

Hovering over Randwick Children’s Hospital, it was impossible to not be in awe of the colossal red sun rising and declaring that a new day had begun. A quick descent, an envelopment of buildings around the craft and a converging of medical staff stole her oasis of quiet and deep sense of perspective. She struggled with the pace to stay close to the medical entourage through the corridors and tunnels of the Intensive Care Unit, then watched as a CPAP machine took the strain from his breathing. In the blur, she stepped back and saw a bigger picture as bed after bed was filled with children whose outcomes were uncertain and whose parents fed on hope and prayer to sustain them for the tough road they would need to walk.

It was now definite that regardless of the outcome, she would fight through her fatigue, emotions and fears, digging into the very depth of who she was, as a child herself yet an over comer, to give every opportunity of life. However this finished, it would be done with grace and gratitude. Life for her was long enough lived to know that life and relationships was God’s opus. There held the greatest depth and satisfaction. The delight to be enjoyed and to enjoy. Deep freedom was found in not placing expectations but in loving with expectancy, in not demanding responsibility but anticipating response from intimacy offered. To stand solidly and humbly offering everything she was even through her weakness and embrace response the way others choose to give. This was offered to her nine other children and no less would be offered to her baby.

Resolved to love through the pain, she journeyed the medical protocols with tenacity. But finally, the day came where monitors were turned off. Beds were stripped and personal effects placed around the unit for emotional support collected. Good byes were said to nurses who were more than staff but people who were now written in her life’s story. Her journey home wasn’t as dramatic. There was no urgency, no rush. But there was a profound air of fullness as she didn’t travel alone. Her son was also able to return to their corner in the world and discover for himself the richness found in life and unconditional love.


Anonymous said...

I love the way you wrote this story.
We've been there. And so thankful that we were able to bring our little girl home also... although she is the youngest of four.

You go girl! If I could have had more I would havE!

God in His sovereignty is amazing!

Outstanding writing!
aka dorinda

Anonymous said...

hey babe - you are such a good writer - you describe things the way I would never think to. Looking forward to reading some of your 'now' moments.
love love
lizzie XX

Cheffie-Mom said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. This post is beautiful and full of blessings. Hugs to you and your family.

Arizaphale said...

Hey Sande
What a story. Humbling. In many ways!

Tamika: said...

Sande, what a profound story. You beautiful prose was entrancing to read. What a blessing to be able to share such a testimony.

God bless you and your family.

The Things We Carried said...

Sande, This is the most beautiful thing I have read in your writing. Your voice here is strong and makes me want to know the teller of such a story!

Bernie said...

I missed this post the first time and am so glad to be given the opportunity to read this today.
So happy you were able to bring your baby home, and Sande, you do write beautifully...
It was such a pleasure to visit with you.
Have a wonderful weekend....:-) Hugs

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Sande, Our hearts, our hopes, our dreams burn more strongly for our children than they do for ourselves...unconditional love...Yes, you have nailed it, my dear friend! I am sorry for the agonizing days, and heartache that you and your husband endured (and I am glad they are behind you now)...but I see the resulting depth of love and mercy...and demonstration of the Father's heart in you...and I know we are all the better for your touch in our lives!!!! You have a tender heart, and you have expressed it so beautifully here!! Thank you for sharing such an authentic moment with us! Love to you~Janine XO

serene chaos said...

What a wonderfully detailed picture you paint! Thanks for stopping by. I look forward to following your journey!

Just Be Real said...

Thank you for reposting this post. Gives me a chance to read it. What a beautiful story. Blessings dear one.

Lisa Buffaloe said...

So beautiful, Sande. I'm so grateful you were able to bring your baby home.

Many blessings!

Muthering Heights said...

What an incredible story!!!

Chuck Dilmore said...

beautiful, Sande.
profound, and deep.

and reverent joy
at the outcome!

beautiful. thank you.
peace~ Chuck

Renata said...

Hi - I stumbled across your blog & have to say you have an amazing gift in writing. I was close to tears reading this. So pleased that it was a happy ending & he was alright. I'm so excited to find another Christian Aussie Mum who blogs! Enjoy the rest of your weekend
Renata :)

moweezle said...

Wow!!! I have no other words at the moment....

Sandra said...

That's a wonderful tale. It put into words some of the thoughts I've had at times and also gave me new perspectives on other aspects of parenthood.
Nice to meet you too Sandra!

Gae said...

This is a beautiful post.
Thank you for sharing
God Bless

Teacher's Pet said...

Sande...This is my first reading of this post.
I read...agonizing, not breathing at times...looking at the precious baby (beautiful baby)...and at the end, caught my breath when I read the monitors were turned off...the flight home was not rushed...I almost cried...and I read on. You brought your baby home! Thank you, God. A magnificent story, Sande. Ten blessed you blessed they are.
I remember reading 'opus' in Charlotte's Web...and how proud she was. Mamas are like that....Yes they are. Beautiful story....precious baby.

Teacher's Pet said...

P.S. I didn't read what was written above the photo until after I read the heart is still beating so fast...

Eddie Bluelights said...

Highly moving and beautifully written ~ Eddie

Maggie May said...

What a moving post. I had my heart in my mouth most of the time.

I was recommended to come over and read this from Eddie Bluelights through Hilary's The Smitten Image, and I am so glad that I did.

Nuts in May

Laura said...

what a story this is, and I am so thankful for the happy ending. You took me right there in that chopper with you...felt that exhaustion, that fear. Simply beautiful.

Praise God for happy endings.

Shelle said...

Sande, it's so hard when one doesn't have a gift of words like you, to write a comment that will compliment. My hubby & I have been discussing where we miss the unconditional love as God gives us as His children. I'm glad that God brought your baby home to be with you.

gaelikaa said...

Touching! Thank you!

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