on Monday, July 13, 2009
Let myself go even.
Gave myself a redundancy package with the best bonuses possible. Because now that I'm retired from being my own private 'blessing boss', I can sit on my porch of anticipation and be marvelled at how a huge God can be so enamored by His tiny although uncomprehendingly complex creation. That be me. I can now experience how my Father really feels about me and it is all good.
Letting go, life can be enjoyed His way. Him the provider and carer and sustainer of His child. Think of it. All that time I'm not co-ordinating everyone around me for my needs can be used to enjoy His time, His efforts, His gifts through the hands and feet of His children. Oh, and my favorite. My two juiciest love languages. His words spoken to me and for me and over me which feel like the warmest embrace ever; none I could ever possibly procure from anyone around me anyway.
How on earth did I ever believe that I could manufacture love, acceptance or stuff from anyone anyway and have it still be full, selfless and unconditional. What a doosey of a lie I fell for. How could I be such a putz. I guess everything looked good on the outside. No obvious Poe Far's. In fact, things appeared quite the opposite.
But there was a subtle yet pivotal flaw. Sure common and undetected in most of us suckers. Yet one which steals the very essence of feeling the depth He has for us directly and through others. In it's essence, the lie; seeing people as opportunities instead of seeing them as individuals to enjoy.
This is so rooted in unbelief. It is core of faith, basic in our relationship with Christ. It's so sad because it screams 'I DON'T believe He is the source of our desires.'
This means then, that if we didn't do for ourselves, then nothing good would come out way. So people become tools for our own happiness instead of an incredible source of enjoyment. We approach them with an agenda and our sleeves rolled up to work a predetermined outcome instead of the anticipation of how two lives can connect and enjoy the greatness of each, inherent from our Father. We are so ripped off when contact is diluted to a demanding expectation of working at others with requests rather than the rest in expectancy, the sweetness of sharing each other and the honor of giving our acceptance and stuff because we want to, not because we have to.
So now sacked, I possibly have less to do today. But I'm going to be listening to how I can uniquely be His hands an heart although not only anticipating but looking out for His heart for me through others.